Loneliness

"C" called me last night...


Hes very pushy.

He kept insisting on hanging out yesterday and the day before.

I told him point blank, "I am having a horribly bad week"...



He didn't hear a fucking thing I said.

He kept on insisting on seeing me last night, even when I told him that I am too depressed for that.

I hate men who are not medically diagnosed as being deaf...but just decided they will become deaf when they don't hear the words they prefer....

His insisting only made me hang up the phone much quicker than I had planned. This week has started out bittersweet.


I have found tons of places that do wholesale manufacturing for the things I will need for my store inside the gallery. I am sooo excited about that.


On the other hand...my relationship with my mom is not going very well at all. It sucks actually. It takes me back to childhood again, making me feel like shes walked out on me.

I hate the way it feels. I can't really talk to anyone about it, because my friends all had pretty "normal" relationships with their parents. Especially "S"...she had the rose garden with the matching white picket fence...and I admit, it makes me feel a little bit of jealousy.

I feel like I am constantly fighting in this big war to make the relationship with my parents work.

Its so hard...because they don't even make the effort, so it feels completely one sided. I have to apologize for things I may or may NOT have done. I say I'm sorry when they say awful things that make me cry.

No matter what disputes take place, I am ALWAYS the one to call and say that I am sorry because if I don't...they won't call me or anything. They will treat me like I don't exist...


and it hurts like bloody hell...

It hurts that things would go like that if I don't keep things smoothed over with them. I'm not sure why things have to be this way...but they always have been.

Its the hardest thing to go through. It really is.


Sometimes I look back and wonder how I made it this far without completely losing it.



Of course I can really say the fact that the relationship with my mom is practically over...





My bills are piling up



Everything is completely overwhelming to me right now



"C" is becoming a huge LOUD mosquito that continues to buzz in my face...



I want my dreams to come true with this gallery so badly that I can just taste it...but I'm so scared inside. I am doing it completely alone without family, yet it was supposed to be a family business...but instead it has started becoming my "own" business and noone elses.


Some people have told me "Blood and Business Do Not Mix"...hmmm...whatever. Maybe its true. My mom and I had started out talking about a "partnership" with the gallery in the very beginning...but I don't see it happening now.

"S" says I can count on her, and I appreciate it so much...
But I've had so many people just bail out on me that I don't trust that anyone would even stick around. So deep inside, I appreciate her saying she will stick around...
but only a part of me believes that she really will. I've decided that if noone will help me with the jewelry etc...beaded curtains etc..
I can do it alone, and maybe hire someone else to help with it.



My heart was racing...I found myself a mess again...crying. I didn't know who to really call.


Theres noone to call....



I hate feeling alone...