Bored

I went to Ohio to visit my friend. It was really nice there.
We went to some malls and resteraunts...
The weather was humid and sticky.



When I came back home...I saw "D" called again. She left thousands of messages.
I listened to two, and realized that all of them were probably the same...



"Guess who I saw yesterday?" she said in the beginning of both messages.


That gets so boring! I am so tired of hearing her begin sentences with that.



Today its sunny out...but not sticky. Its so beautiful out...
there are such lovely cool breezes



So I went downtown...



A female bum kept following behind me. She kept trying to sell me stolen candy.

Then she followed me for an entire 2 freakin blocks, telling me that she liked my hair and really needed to speak with me.

I finally asked her if she was into women or something and if she was trying to seduce me.

She said no. Then I asked her what her fucking problem was...


She said she just wanted me to buy some candy.

I told her no thanks, I didn't want any candy.

I was in a horrible mood, and didn't feel like having any candy today.





WTF!!!




Then she starts singing some ugly weird songs out loud and still attempting to follow behind me...


until I escaped when a load of traffic came through and I ran across a street, and down another...

The "Sometimey" Friend

"D" called me on the telephone.

She says she misses our friendship. It was kinda sorta somehwhat nice hearing her voice again...

She told me that she and her boyfriend are super happy and are still trying their hardest to have a baby.


She asked if I would call her sometime, but only when her man is at work.




I was offended by her asking me that...



oh well...



I don't miss her twisted friendship at all.

Loneliness

"C" called me last night...


Hes very pushy.

He kept insisting on hanging out yesterday and the day before.

I told him point blank, "I am having a horribly bad week"...



He didn't hear a fucking thing I said.

He kept on insisting on seeing me last night, even when I told him that I am too depressed for that.

I hate men who are not medically diagnosed as being deaf...but just decided they will become deaf when they don't hear the words they prefer....

His insisting only made me hang up the phone much quicker than I had planned. This week has started out bittersweet.


I have found tons of places that do wholesale manufacturing for the things I will need for my store inside the gallery. I am sooo excited about that.


On the other hand...my relationship with my mom is not going very well at all. It sucks actually. It takes me back to childhood again, making me feel like shes walked out on me.

I hate the way it feels. I can't really talk to anyone about it, because my friends all had pretty "normal" relationships with their parents. Especially "S"...she had the rose garden with the matching white picket fence...and I admit, it makes me feel a little bit of jealousy.

I feel like I am constantly fighting in this big war to make the relationship with my parents work.

Its so hard...because they don't even make the effort, so it feels completely one sided. I have to apologize for things I may or may NOT have done. I say I'm sorry when they say awful things that make me cry.

No matter what disputes take place, I am ALWAYS the one to call and say that I am sorry because if I don't...they won't call me or anything. They will treat me like I don't exist...


and it hurts like bloody hell...

It hurts that things would go like that if I don't keep things smoothed over with them. I'm not sure why things have to be this way...but they always have been.

Its the hardest thing to go through. It really is.


Sometimes I look back and wonder how I made it this far without completely losing it.



Of course I can really say the fact that the relationship with my mom is practically over...





My bills are piling up



Everything is completely overwhelming to me right now



"C" is becoming a huge LOUD mosquito that continues to buzz in my face...



I want my dreams to come true with this gallery so badly that I can just taste it...but I'm so scared inside. I am doing it completely alone without family, yet it was supposed to be a family business...but instead it has started becoming my "own" business and noone elses.


Some people have told me "Blood and Business Do Not Mix"...hmmm...whatever. Maybe its true. My mom and I had started out talking about a "partnership" with the gallery in the very beginning...but I don't see it happening now.

"S" says I can count on her, and I appreciate it so much...
But I've had so many people just bail out on me that I don't trust that anyone would even stick around. So deep inside, I appreciate her saying she will stick around...
but only a part of me believes that she really will. I've decided that if noone will help me with the jewelry etc...beaded curtains etc..
I can do it alone, and maybe hire someone else to help with it.



My heart was racing...I found myself a mess again...crying. I didn't know who to really call.


Theres noone to call....



I hate feeling alone...

What?

I went to the "W" to watch my dad perform blues and jazz on stage. He was really good. My sister showed up and sat at my table. The wine was free...



Upstairs was a poetry thing going on. I went for a while to listen. I thought maybe "C" would be performing...but he wasn't there.



My sister and I spent the rest of the night listening to dad, then we went home.

"C" called. He said he missed me terribly and wanted to know what was wrong.
I didn't feel like telling him. I am no good at thorough communication...
I wish I could be different and explain my feelings, but its so difficult for me.
So...of course, I didn't really tell him much. I just said that things seemed to be moving a bit too fast, so I had to get away from it.



He then explained that he will take it as slow as I need for him to...because he has now developed strong feelings for me.
I didn't know what to say. I can't say I really feel the same about him, because I don't know him well enough to even say that. And besides...
there are way too many red flags to overlook.



"Just give it another chance" he said in a very convincing voice "You and I are both artists in our own ways. I write poetry and you paint pictures. We are made to be together"...



But what about the one thousand red flags? Should red flags be overlooked?
I wish there was a rule book I could go by...Yes I love the fact that he writes such beautiful poetry and I love his intelligence! He can be such a brilliant thinker!



I really don't know what to think about it except...I don't want to be rushed into anything...and I've learned that he likes to rush.



"Well, you said something about us being boyfriend and girlfriend right away, and we don't even know each other that well yet" I said.



"Well I would like for you to be my girlfriend, but if its too soon-" he said...



Hell yes its too soon!

Our first "official" date and he has decided that its time to make a commitment?

"Can we start over?" he asked "Please?"

"Only if we can take things slowly" I said.

He didn't reply at all after that

Hmmm...

another red flag?

What is so wrong with taking things slowly?


I just don't understand it.

Flirting

I went with my mom to for her pedicure and manicure at this place downtown, across the river.

The owner of the shop is "L". "L" and I went out 3 years ago off and on. Vietnamese food and alot of kissing only. Hes a gentleman, but also a momma's boy. He speaks terrible English, and hes quite handsome.

His sister was doing my mom's pedicure when he walked in the front door. I hadn't seen him since last summer at the casino. He smiled at me and gave my shoulder a squeeze...

Alot of women were in there...some attractive ones, some ugly fat ones. I hate to sound mean and cocky...calling some of them fat and everything but its true.


The fat bald ones had the worst attitude...just like always. Yea, the type of women who give you a dirty look just for walking in the room. You can be friendly or whatever but it doesn't matter because they hate you because they are fat...Its plain and simple...The type of women who are jealouse of any and everyone who smiles at the handsome male manicurist...

The entire time my mom was getting her pedicure, I didn't say much to "L"...only hello.

He kept giving me a certain "Look"...

"You have a new telephone number now?" he asked from over at the table.

"Ive moved to another address since we last talked" I said from over by the magazines.

He looked alot more handsome now...his hair was much longer and he'd gotten a bit of a tan from his Florida vacation.


His face was alot slimmer and his teeth looked alot whiter.

"You look very pretty today" he said to me in vietnamese.

I smiled...noticing all the women were now staring at me like my hair was on fire or something.

"Thankyou" I said.

"I'd like to see you again. I've missed you" he said.

I didn't say anything.

I waited a while, wondering if I should or not...then wrote my new number down on a piece of paper, and handed it to him. He grabbed my hand and kissed it. My mom hid her face! She was sooo embarrassed, her ears turned bright red as she started looking down at her magazine and humming some song...pretending like she didn't see what she saw.

I went back over to my seat and waited for my mom's pedicure to be over with. When I finally saw it was over, I stood up to leave behind her.

"Can I have a hug?" he asked, coming over to me with his arms out.

"Sure" I smiled and went over to him. We were both hugging for a while, until he whispered into my ear "I love you"...

I heard one of the women in the room literally gasp in disgust. I could have cared less.
One said something like "No she didn't!"

Hmmm...no she didn't what? Well whatever.

So then I kissed his cheek and said "Love you too" and then walked out...

My mom was waiting for me outside on the sidewalk.

"I don't believe you!" she said laughing.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Why do you like to cause controversy? You know those girls are all after him!" my mom whispered.

Hmmm....
When she said that...it made me wonder. Why do I do the things I do at times? I don't know.
I honestly did used to enjoy "L's" company. His being Vietnamese was a turn on perhaps...

No, I can't say that everytime I've ever dated an Asian man that I've had "Yellow Fever" or anything. Race has never really been an issue.

But I have always liked the way "L" says my name in that accent, and when he says things like "I love you"...

It sounds very endearing and sweet...and I like the fact that hes a momma's boy. He totally respects his mother. He treats her so well...and I think its such a good quality that I admire alot in him.

I like the way he flirts with me...its such a turn on.