A Fairweather Friend

I hate to admit it, but my friendship with D. is starting to fade. I can feel it slipping away again for the one hundredth time! Everytime she invites one of her psychopath prison inmate boyfriends to move in with her, she completely puts our friendship on hold. When I say "completely" I mean COMPLETELY!


When we used to call each other on the telephone, one of us would always say to the other in a silly whispering voice...
"Whatcha wearin honey?"
And one of us would always say to the other "My purple Barney suit" or "An eskimo coat" or "bright orange polka dots" or something...anything nonsensical or super crazy to make the other one laugh.
Okay okay...I know it probably sounds really immature but its just a joke we have always had between us for around 10 years.
I called her on the telephone late yesterday and she said "Hmmm well things are different now. I have a man"...
She was very short with me on the phone, and said she can't really have a normal conversation on the phone with me when her new man is around...and she emphasized that he is "ALWAYS" around since he moved in.


I remember when I was getting quite serious with "M." I never forgot about my friendship with her or my other friends. I still always found time to be around them. Of course I realize how being in a relationship changes things a little bit maybe but...I just don't understand completely throwing friendships away over the changes.


I guess because I've always felt that friendship was an important thing, and I never believed anything could come between us. I understand that she needs to spend more time with her new boyfriend...but why end our friendship over it?


Everytime she takes in these guys from prison, the same thing happens.
She starts completely ignoring me and all her other friends. Then when things start getting really rough in the relationship she wants to call me on the telephone and cry about it to me.
After things get better, then she completely disappears again.


When they break up because hes stolen from her, taken drugs, abused her etc...
Then she comes crying to me about how she will never be with another man again.
What am I the rebound friend? I thought we were the kind of friends that were friends all the time, not just some of the time.


Am I just here for when my friends hearts get broken? I feel used.
"S" sorta did the same thing to me not too long ago. She was with "P" and everything was peachy. Well the phone calls stopped, and the small downtown lunch meetings did too.

Then months after they broke off, she calls crying about how he dumped her for some young girl. She called almost every single day after that. When she and "P" patched things back up, she completely disappeared again!

Isn't that just a little strange?

Sensual Dreams

Last night I fell asleep watching a movie on the AMC channel. I dreamt that I was at some sort of "field trip" like back in highschool. I was partnered up with a guy who was very gorgeous. He was tall with dark blond hair and brown eyes. There was something about him that was so absolutely irresistable! He kept whispering in my ear in a sexy French accent, that he wanted to sneak off with me to a quiet place. For some reason, everyone was meeting inside an arena to watch a show.

He and I went somewhere inside the building to a dark corner. He was smiling and telling me how he wanted me so badly. I kissed his cheek...

And he said in a timid voice "No, not yet. We have to wait for that"...

We have to wait for that?

It was so weird. In the dream I tried to kiss him again on his cheek, and he repeated the same phrase!

What does it mean? Then I ended up going back into the arena to sit down and someone told me the seat was already taken...

I looked down to see "R" sitting down next to it. "R" the worst kisser and worst makeout guy I have ever known. Hes only interested in finding a woman to ejaculate his little vienna sausage!

In the dream he said "There is a girl sitting here. She will be back in a second or so"...

I ignored him and sat down anyway...(that is so strange because in real life I would have never done that. Most likely I would have just walked away!) Then, I woke up!

The dream has something to do with something, but I'm not exactly sure what? I dreamt about a gorgeous dream man who says he wants me, then we should "wait" to kiss.

Then I run into someone who I knew in real life who is a horrible kisser and a horrible selfish makeout guy.

What does it all mean?

I thought at first maybe it had to do with me swearing myself to celibacy after the awful experience I had with "B" years ago.

Then I thought maybe I'm just craving "IT" I mean gosh...its been a while!

Magic Kisses

As I sat in the waiting room at the Dentist's office, I saw a cute couple with their arms around each other. He kissed her, and she kissed him back. They were both smiling and looking so happy. Gosh...I really miss kissing so much. The magical kind of kisses that make your head spin! Those are the best kinds!

The last magical kisses I had was with "M". I really miss him and his kisses so much. I miss that feeling of floating on air, and just feeling so alive inside...

I wish I could have that feeling again. I just don't want to rush into anything and end up heartbroken again.

I was so willing to sacrifice for the relationship and for its happiness.

Now, I'm not sure if I am still that willing anymore. I used to be so different.

When you go through so much, it can really change your insides.

I think if I were to see "M". now, he'd hardly recognize me. He might recognize the exterior part of me...but not my heart...

My Tuesday Appointment

I went to see Dr.R. about the pains in my stomache.

"Have you ever considered having a hysterectomy"? she asked.

I wasn't really sure how to answer her question. Sure it has crossed my mind before, but its not something I've really meditated on or anything.

Sometimes I think of "What If"...

Like, getting married again someday, and maybe having another baby with my (someday)husband...

But then I think about all of the complications with fibroids and the fact that I'm not even "in" a relationship right now. If I were to even think of having another one, I'd want to be married. Although nowadays its very popular to have kids while your not married...and I'm not judging anyone for doing it that way. I feel like "whatever floats your boat"-

I'm only saying I would want to be married for it. And its kinda tricky even thinking about the "m" word after going through such a nasty divorce and custody.

My doctor says there is are some other options to getting rid of fibroids.

and I have no idea...

Never Ever Judge A Book By Its Cover

K. phoned me earlier, he said hes living in New York City now. He spoke all about his trip to visit family and friends in India. Ive really grown so much to love hearing about his photography adventures and family stories. The only problem I have with him is...he now says he wants a serious relationship me. I don't really know him well enough yet to know how he feels about children. Ive known this man for almost 2 or 3 years now...and there has never been a real discussion about children. I told him my goal about the art gallery, and selling incense and candles. He really said he liked it alot. He says he would really like to help me out with it... especially since hes always traveling back and forth to India. He'd be able to help with getting indian incense and and lovely saris'!
Its so weird how I met him for the very first time. Its the first time Ive ever truly learned the "TRUE" meaning of never judging a book by its cover.

I was catching a Greyhound bus back home from Baltimore Maryland. I was in an edgy mood at the bus station, because there was such a long line...and the bus was so late!

I had been standing on my tired feet for almost an hour, kind of pissed! There was a little blonde girl standing next to me, she was pissed off too! She was saying to me...

"Can you believe this guy! He has the nerve to cut in line while we have been standing here for ages! Its not fair"

K. had showed up with his tons of luggage and jumped right in line right next to both of us! The ticket guy had told anyone else that comes in later can't board the bus because there was no more room. So K. cut right in front of alot of ppl to get where I was standing. Being such meanies, the little blonde girl and I snitched on him to the ticket guy and security guard. And guess what? It did no good! He still stood proud, completely ignoring the men!

He was wearing a dark colored bandana on his head, a black leather motorcycle jacket and some really baggy jeans...
"Gosh what a super thug" I had thought to myself. I am ashamed to admit it, but that is exactly what I thought at first! Its wrong I know, but its the truth. How could I be so judgmental and bitchy?


So then he started staring at me for a very long time. I frowned and looked away.

When we finally boarded the bus, there was no seats for him...
Guess where the only seat was left for him to sit?

Right next to me. Me the bitchy meany!

He smiled and introduced himself...I shook his hand and told him my name.

I started feeling bad about having been so mean to him. I had no right to behave the way I did, it was wrong of me. He imediately took out his photography portfolio!
I absolutely loved it! I started telling him how I love art too!

We went on and on talking about so much stuff. And then I started dozing off, but tried to stay awake because the last time I had fallen asleep next to a guy on greyhound...I woke up discovering he was fondling my legs! ughhhh!


K. told me its okay if I drift off, he said he promised that he'd watch out for me. I was so tired I fell asleep. I was so hungry and so tired. I woke up to find that we'd stopped at MacDonalds. K. brought back food for me and for himself. It was so sweet of him. I appreciated it so much, and I also felt awful for the way I'd judged him.

He started telling me about how hes from India and just graduated college. He took off his bandana and his hair was long,silky and shiny. Wow, he had such gorgeous hair! Hes cut it off now. It still looks really nice on him. I remember noticing how beautiful and smooth his face was. He was quite handsome!
We must have talked for hours and hours...

Finally when we reached his stop we exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch.
Since then, we have kept in touch off and on. For the most part...
We have become really good friends. I have really started to care about him alot.
But I am not sure about becoming serious with him on any level. I'm so worried about getting too too serious. I don't want to have my heart broken.

Although, I am really fascinated by him...

I do think about what it might be like traveling the world with him. He travels all over the world...

Europe, Asia, Africa...so many places...

I am a single mom, and I can't just drop everything and travel because I have responsibilities. I need to be a good mom and I also need to focus on my goals more. Although, the thought does cross my mind about him being my boyfriend.

My Dad

My dad and I have always had a strange relationship. When I was a small child, I thought my dad was the strongest and most wonderful man in the whole world! He always protected me and treated me very well.

He later had some problems with drinking too much and controlling his temper when I started becoming a teenager...

Our closeness seemed to fade. Sometimes I thought I hated him. Now that I'm an adult, things have gotten better. I've learned to forgive and not forget. Noone is perfect. We all make mistakes. I realize now that whatever happened back then, it scarred me. But I also realize that my dad is a different person now. Hes trying to be the dad he wasn't able to be at times. I forgive him...

Alot of people don't understand why I even bother to forgive my dad...but I do. I feel like its only important that I understand why. He tries his best and thats what matters to me.

I love him...