Hormonal

"C" and I talked on the telephone.

Hes really very intelligent and alot of fun to talk to. He said when he comes back from "NYC" he'd like to spend some time getting to know me. I am so flattered!

Tonight is poetry open mic night at the "E" and I wish he was going to be there. My sister and brother will be going with me.

I wrote something else dedicated to "C"...I will be reading it tonight...

so I am sorta glad that he won't be there.

My stomache feels sick...

Its my "time of the month"...

Ughh...

I took some meds that doctor "K" gave me for the severe cramping.

Now I feel drowsy, edgey and a bit yucky too...

My hormones are a mess!

I hope the rest of my night gets better, because this sucks so far...

2 Seconds Of Intrigue

'Mr.Phd' history professor...

with the glasses



wrote me such a nice sweet letter.

I was so pleasantly shocked to hear from him!

He wrote about his week, and some experiences hes had with teaching students over the years. He really loves to talk alot about 'History' and 'The Arts' quite a bit.

I love his taste in jazz music and museums. Hes so well rounded and cultured....

intellectual...


It was so nice to find that we have so many things in common!

He likes concerts, festivals and so do I.

We have the same taste in movies and in sushi!

It almost felt like it was too good to be true!...

and well...

yes of course it was too good to be true...

because then I found out today...

hes a married man.

Onstage Poetry Night

Last night...I went to the "P" downtown, for the onstage poetry. I was so nervous. I decided to wear a long, flowy white bohemian skirt, a black tanktop, sandals, my handmade beaded jewelry and a jean jacket.Yes I dress like a 1960s hippy...because I have hippy/ecclectic blood.


Two ladies sat at my table. One of them who had dreds kept touching my hair saying how she loves women with naturally curly hair "Its sooo beautiful and soft! I really love it" she kept saying.


Sheesh! I felt a bit awkward and weird about her touching my hair. The last person who did that was a tall

blonde blued eyed German guy named "J" who was extremely obsessed with touching, kissing and sniffing my hair last year!... It was a creepy/seductive experience with him...

I was so glad when she finally stopped! Although she is a very pretty lady and it was quite an interesting experience...


There was food being served in the very back, after intermission following the first half of the show.


Everyone was crowding back there so thickly. I only got a few raw veggies, some dip and slices of cheese...Some people had spaghetti etc...but by the time I got back there, it was all gone!



I was the third person onstage during the second half of the show.

"C" showed up...I know he wanted to know why I still haven't called him. How can I explain to him that he has a way of turning me on...and its way too tempting for me. He is such a gentleman though. His poems are so moving! He speaks of politics, racism, history, relationships and worldly knowledge! He handed me his new CD

He said its for my little brother...but I'm keeping it for myself...

I know its selfish of me, but I don't care. I like "C"...I love his colorful work!


When I got onstage, I read a poem I'd written days ago dedicated to him and his work...hoping he wouldn't know who it was dedicated to...



I did four poems...I didn't feel as nervous as I thought I would, once I got up there. I was afraid I'd sound silly or someone would discover that I'm a painter and sketcher and say "Shes not a poet! Shes really into art! What a fraud!" ...


But noone said it.


I think my face was wayyyy too close to the microphone a couple of times...I have no idea how my voice sounded or what I looked like up there...and I don't really care now. I'm just glad I finally did it. I followed through with a promise without backing out of it. I'm really happy I did that!

The old me would have backed out of it, because I would have been too nervous to get up on that big stage and speak into the microphone. The guy who arranged it was so happy I followed through...
Afterwards, I rushed off to leave. "C" grabbed my arm...




"You are going to call me...right? Do you still have my number?" he asked.


"Yes I still have it. You really want me to call you?" I asked.

I knew it sounded silly, but I really wanted to know.

Does he know that I'm a celibate? Wonder if it would scare him away if he knew?




"Yes! Why wouldn't I?" he laughed.




"I thought you were giving it to me because of my little brother and the tickets...but yes I definitely would like to call you. Will you be at "E" on Saturday night?" I asked.




"No, I'll be leaving for New York City to do a show" he said.




"I'll call you" I smiled...




"Good" he winked....





My heart raced...

Insomnia Again

I have insomnia again.

I can't sleep...I'm really worried. I keep thinking about tonights poetry reading...


They said they will be featuring me.

Me?

I'm not a poet...



I'm an artist. Art is something I can truly "feel"...

I paint and sketch on canvas on wood on any surface imaginable...

I love art so much.



Each stroke of the brush is an expression from inside my heart...



Words on paper for me are much more different. I can express myself more with acryllics and charcoals...


I already told them I'd be there tonight...so I guess its a bit too late to make up some weak excuse.


I do have some things I've written....some thoughts on paper. I can't really call them poems because I'm not a poet...




My sister is the poet...


She lives for writing and she expresses herself so well that way.


For me its different...

Lead Me Not Unto Temptation...

I've almost lost track of how long I've been celibate.


Its gotten easier day by day.


When you don't have something after a while, you begin to adapt...getting used to being without it...Sometimes it can be so difficult...


That "difficult" part came earlier this morning when I accidentally went past him.


His clean cologne scent was quite hypnotizing, and so was the slight brushing of his shirt fabric against mine...

And the accidental touching of his warm skin against mine as I'd dropped my keys on the floor...



and he, 'the gentleman'... knelt to pick them up for me. Its been so long since a man's hand has touched mine and made me feel like my skin was on fire. I was so shocked at my body's response to a simple touch...it was insane!



It felt like an electrical charge flowing throughout my body...



like an oasis in a desert...





I hated myself for getting such a feeling deep inside me, over a simple touch of the hand. I hated that my nipples were so hard...and most of all, I hated that "stirring feeling" that was coming from deep inside my womanhood... that spot so deep inside that can be powerfully reached at the very point of orgasm...


He wasn't very tall, but his body had a very nice sturdy build...


sexy hazel eyes...such sexy hazel eyes...






His face was very nice indeed...



His lips were nice...


mmm...they looked so soft...


I quickly looked away.





Too much temptation...




Too many "what ifs" running through my mind....




what if this...


what if that?






what if his lips were up against...

what if his cheek was close against...

what if he and I....our bodies pressed up against...








Yes I'm still celibate...but intimacy seems to come into my mind often...
Especially under such circumstances as an accidental 'brushing up against' or 'touching of the hand'...




I know it might not have been a deliberate touch...after all, I did accidentally drop my keys.



And he did move his hand quickly, like in a chivalrous reflex....



setting my skin on fire...

Mademoiselle Drame

My sister is 'Ms.Drama'... Drama follows at her heels lately, no matter where she goes.

Perhaps Drama is the name of her fiancee? Hes at her heels...


My sister, brother and his girlfriend and I were all planning to go to a Poetry Reading...

My sister's fiancee "P" showed up.... AGAIN!


He always shows up lately, no matter what...even after my sister has already called off the marriage and gave his ring back to him.

He made rude ignorant remarks the entire time...and he appeared to have glassy eyes drugged and was sweaty...with a phoney smile...

Is he on drugs or something? She said that he spent up all of their bill money the other day....

I really don't like him very much....

I did enjoy meeting the different poets. They asked me to attend the readings on Tuesday and Saturday.


My brother and his little girlfriend really had a great time too. Everything would have been perfect if "P" hadn't showed up. He gives off such a bad vibe...

He made fun of the hostesses and some of the poetesses...calling them ugly, weird or fat and other things...

Why is my sister with that creep?