Sentimental

I am really missing my friendship with "D".

I really hate that I can't call her on the telephone anymore...it hurts so bad. It hurts that she won't call me either.

She feels that she must devote and sacrifice absolutely everything to her new inmate boyfriend...WEll except for her spiritual churchsisters.
She always keeps in touch with them, because she feels they are much closer to God than any other friends.

Am I childishly jealous about that?

YES I AM!

IT PISSES ME OFF!!!

Yes it might sound selfish or immature...

but the answer is still "YES"!

No I know I don't go to church anymore. I stopped going years ago.

Does that make me an unacceptable friend?

If I started regularly going to church again...

Would it make me a better person?

Would it make me good enough to associate with?

And what about the situation with the inmate boyfriend?

Would I be good enough to talk to even when hes around?


The whole thing is silly, and it shouldn't bother me...


but it does...

Friday Afternoon

My son's friend's grandmother invited us over for a cookout. I visited with the family for a couple of hours. Everyone was really nice and friendly. The kids played in the big plastic pool in the backyard. They asked if my son could spend the night and go with them to the baseball game. So...I let him go.

The most awkward part of the day was the long drive back home. My son's friend's dad offered to give me a ride home.

He had a very thick Mississippi accent, and I had a very difficult time understanding him when he talked. All of his words seemed to be either too short or one long drawn out endless sentence!

He was really nice, and handsome.

I noticed as we rode him he kept bringing up "The Misses this" and "The Misses that"...and I wasn't quite sure why...
Was I making him feel uncomfortable? He kept checking his cell phone and looking a bit antsy. Finally his cell phone rang...

He mumbled something about "I had to take home 'L's' friend 'O's' mom. I said I had to take his mom home! She only lives across the bridge. Honey I'll be home shortly, I'm only taking her home"...


After the conversation it became really silent. I was sure if I'd gotten him into trouble by accepting the ride home, and I felt kinda bad about it.

He looked a little bit nervous almost like he couldn't wait to get me home.
So I asked him questions about Mississippi (even though I have family there and have seen it plenty of times)...


He talked on and on about it, as if his life depended on it.

When we finally reached my house I told him thanks and to have a nice day...

Isn't that weird? Thanks have a nice day?


He asked me if there is a specific time he should have my son home, and I told him no...there are no special plans for tommorow...


Should I have let my son spend the night? I have never let him spend the night at any of his friend's houses before.





Am I being too overprotective?

I Dislike Drama...

Last night my younger sister "A" kept insisting that she needed to get away from her boyfriend "P".
She told me they have been fighting so much that she gave his ring back the other day and completely called off the wedding.She asked me if I'd go with her to the 'J.F' to hear live jazz music on stage.



I really didn't feel like going, but I thought it might be good for her to get her mind off things...and I also love live jazz music. I thought we might have a fun time...



I showered, and got dressed...She called me after 8pm saying that her boyfriend "P" was going to come with us.



Then I got really confused and annoyed...because, she told me how much she wanted to get away from him...but now she was bringing him with us? It really didn't make any sense to me at all.

His BMW showed up in my driveway around five minutes later, and she was sitting in the passenger seat looking like they just had another argument.



I slid in the back seat, listening to the both of them bickering back and forth about all sorts of things.They parked the car on the side of the road and argued for a really long time, and I started getting a severe migraine! and I normally don't get migraines...



When we finally made it to the "J.F." downtown, it was almost closing down.The band had two more songs to play until closing time.
My sister refused to sit with "P"...he sat at another table nearby.

When I asked shouldn't we all sit together she told me...
"NO WAY! I refuse to sit with HIM!"



We stayed for the last 25 minutes and left...They started arguing again all the way from the "J.F" to the parkinglot across the street.



"Lets just take her home! Youre really getting on my nerves!" my sister yelled at "P"...



"FINE THEN" P yelled back at her.



So we made it back to my house in about 5 minutes...

I was so glad to finally be back at home, away from the drama.

Aviophobia

I recieved a message from "H" earlier today. He asked me if I can come to the Netherlands to visit him.

He and I have been friends for a really long time, but I am a little nervous about going.

At first I tried to use the excuse-

("No way! especially after seeing the movie'HOSTEL'")

I know, its a goofy lame excuse...and it made him laugh his head off.

I just don't know about traveling by plane these days.

Ever since the 9/11, I have been so skeptical about it. Especially since it happened not too long after my flight from Puerto Rico! I had even planned to go back to visit again shortly, but changed everything after all of that stuff happened with the hijackings etc...

"H" says I'm a big baby for being afraid to fly anymore. Maybe I am being one, but I can't help it. I feel the way I feel, I can't pretend!

Hes admitted hes afraid of flying to America...so it seems we are both in the same dilemma...

It would be so much different if I were born with wings on my back...
I wouldn't have a problem with flying then! It would be so easy and exciting!
I have even had dreams that I was flying over oceans and cities! Those kinds of dreams are so magical!

((sighs))

Is It Just A Phase?

My mom was so upset when she picked me up to go shopping.She said she found out that my 16 year old brother "J" has still been putting that his orientation is "Bisexual" on his myspace profile page...and that hes also having conversations with gay and bisexual boys and grown men.


In one conversation he told a boy that he has kissed lots of other boys but has never actually "Stuck It"? ...and One boy asked him if his girlfriend knew about his sexuality, and he said "Yeah shes okay with it"


...My mom was almost in tears when she said she was going to get rid of her internet connection, because shes tired of "J" having such explicit conversations online. At first she was even talking of smashing the computer with a brick or hammer. She said shes going to make "J" get a summer job, paint the basement and put him back in tae-kwondo again.I asked her if she really thinks this is going to work? She said she thinks it might, and for me to pray for my little brother's sexuality.





Then she had the NERVE to blame most of this on "C" -(a guy I was dating quite some time ago)

"I think he was undercover gay and HE influenced your brother! HE DID THIS! Your little brother looked up to him!" she yelled at me.



Okay, maybe "C" was a little bit soft and he did dress sorta "Emo". But "C" was in an "Emo" band and played the drums. Now that my brother is becoming borderline "Emo" with the shiny girly rocker belts that holds up his jeans etc...and his bright green and orange mowhawks he was wearing for a while...I thought my brother was maybe going through some sort of phase like all kids do with fashion.




When I was his age, I was wearing the lacey 'Madonna gloves' and I had the 80s wild crazy bed hair and 'Bananarama' clothes...jelly bracelets, big earrings etc....I loved all of that stuff! It was a phase I grew out of.I'm not really sure about my brother though.



Is it really possible to grow out of a "Bi" stage? Is he really even "Bi" or just "Bi-curious"???

I asked myself...if my brother is "bi-curious" and it turns into something more later...like if he discovers that he definitely likes the male persuasion...How would I feel about him?

I'll still love him no matter what.

I could never turn my back on him....hes my baby brother!




I asked mom how she would deal with it...





"NO COMMENT!!!" she yelled...

Tragic News

Yesterday I was looking at the 12 oclock news. They did a report about a big car crash downtown in 'Old L'...


They said one unknown person driving a Lincoln towncar didn't make it...and the women in the truck that crashed into it all survived. After a commercial break, they said they finally had the name of the person who didn't make it..."56 year old W.N."
Right away I thought "could it be Uncle W.?" so I called dad and he said that uncle "W." is way older than 56 so it couldn't be him. But then he said uncle "W's" son cousin "B" is around 56. Everyone always called him "B" short for "W"...


We both sorta said "Its probably not him. Maybe its someone else"...
and I thought to myself that I was sad for whoever it was.


Unfortunately, shortly after my conversation on the telephone with my dad...my aunt called dad to say cousin "B.N" was the one who didn't make it.

Insomnia

Have you ever tried to get to sleep but for some reason your eyes just won't close?
Ive been this way for the past week or so. I have no idea whats behind it. Why can't I fall asleep? Last night I finally dozed off at 4am in the morning on the couch with my glasses on!Its becoming a very bad habit!

Now its getting late, and I am feeling almost exactly the same way as I did last night.

My mom told me to try some warm milk with honey...but that only worked once!

**sighs**

Hmmm...

I came across an online list of Burmese activists...

I saw "M's" name on there of course.

I don't know why my heart sank a little bit. Could I still have feelings for him deep down inside? I always tell myself that I don't love him anymore. I really don't think I can ever feel the same about him again. I used to think he was someone else.

I learned the hard way.

Have you ever been with someone for 10 years or so...and you find out that you never really knew them?

He let his strict cultural traditions, his friends and money interfere...

Unfortunately, I remember it all as if it happened yesterday...

I had visited him in New York City. I was so excited about seeing him, and it was my birthday! Gosh, I was soooo in love!

It was my third trip there. We had talked alot about marriage, having a future together and both of us going to the Burmese festival together.

"You and I are soulmates for always" he'd said while kissing my lips so many many times before.....I think a part of me felt that we really were soulmates ♡

Things had changed so fast...

On the subway he sprung it on me...

"I might but moving to Europe. Its not definite yet though" he said.

I noticed "M" wasn't sitting too close to me at the time, and he was behaving sorta cold or maybe even disconnected. Normally he'd always lay his head on my shoulder or put his arms very tightly around me.

I remember it felt as the entire world had come crashing down on me. I was devastated!

The only hope I had inside me was the fact that he'd emphasized the word "Might" in the sentence.

The entire visit became awful! He was at work most of the time and I was stuck at home with one of his new roomates

(an old Burmese woman in her late 60s called "auntie", who had a serious problem with interracial relationships) ...

"Are you his girlfriend?" she kept asking me.

"Yes" I said.

She asked me what race I was...because she had so much trouble figuring it out.

She took the kind sweet liberty of explaining to me how Burmese men only use us American women for sex, and would never ever consider us as marriage material...especially if we were someone who had been divorced or a single mother.

She said they only find Burmese women or other Asian women to be beautiful and are only loyal to them!

"They can only treat you women like cheap whores" she said with a smile "You and he are not a couple. Youre a joke. The joke is on you!"...

That conversation with her went on for at least an hour. An hour of her showing me photos of her ( so called ) beautiful Burmese daughters in their early 20s who are virgins, eligible for marriage to a good Burmese man like my "M"...

She also told me that he was definitely moving to Europe because he'd already told everyone about it.

"Everyone knows but you. He kept it from you" she smiled.

The entire thing turned into such a nightmare....

When "M" came home, I told him about the entire conversation. His first reaction was completely blowing up at the old woman and his other two roomates for defending her.

Then alot of angry neighbors from other apartments ( Burmese of course) ...

All of them came to defend the woman, yelling loudly in Burmese and English that I was probably making the whole thing up. They said that she was incapable of saying such mean things, and that he shouldn't believe me because she was one of "his kind"...

I asked "M" if its true that he was "Definitely" moving to Europe. He admitted he was ... and I felt so sad...

"Yes I am. Money is the most important thing to me right now, don't you understand? I want to be rich and famous. I want to have rich friends!" he said. It was like he was reciting cheesey lines from a play on broadway.

Guess how it ended?



It ended with me being physically shoved out of the apartment leaving alot of my things behind, along with-
(my 6 sterling silver spoon rings,4 pairs of my panties,1 pair of socks and my sandals)

It was the worst birthday I'd ever had...THE WORST!

I was a wreck! I was crying and shaking... and boarding a greyhound in this condition.

Noone really wanted to sit next to me and I couldn't blame them really...because I was such a crying horrible mess. I wouldn't have wanted to sit next to me either. I couldn't stop crying...my heart was so broken.

A very talkative Russian guy was sitting next to me, asking me what was wrong. I remember him telling me that he was happily in a relationship with his wonderful girlfriend. It hurt to hear it at the time, and I really wanted him to shut up...but he wouldn't. He babbled on and on about it. He also told me how terrible it was for me to have been kicked out.

"Doesn't sound like he loves you" the guy said with a big grin on his face...

Deep inside me, I was beginning to agree.

Typical Sunday Shopping

♫ ♪♬

This morning I went to the grocery store. I wanted to buy some ingredients for a recipe "L" gave me the other day. I was in the veggie aisle, looking for fresh cilantro...

"Can I help you with something?" a really goodlooking Cuban guy asked.

He was alot taller than me, probably around 5"11"...

with gorgeous hazel brown eyes surrounded by such thick dark lashes. He had shiny, straight dark hair and a really nice smile. I almost couldn't take my eyes away from him, but I felt a little bit too shy about staring so I looked away.

He was definitely a 'prettyboy'...

"Thankyou, I'm looking for cilantro" I said, trying my hardest not to stare. He had such sexy eyes!

"Sure no problem, I can help you" he smiled. He pointed it out to me right way.

"Thanks" I smiled...

He nodded with a sexy grin.


A short woman with a tiny crying baby in her arms rushed over to him complaining in spanish about not being able to find the pampers she needed. She demanded him to hold the baby and then said something to him about how hes such a lazy boyfriend. She looked over at me with a frown, then walked off in front of him. He followed right behind her...

The "Player" kept on looking back at me and smiling...and even had the audacity to wink at me and blow kisses while his girlfriend's back was turned!

I made sure that I didn't even look in his direction whatsoever anymore.

☺

Hmmm...Typical sunday morning shopping...