7/7/7

They say today was supposed to be some special day...
It was on quite a few internet headlines and even on the news channels



They say it was a special day because it was 7/7/7...
Well it wasn't so special...



not at all...




The entire day sucked.



Nothing worked out...

It Doesn't Feel Like Friday

Today is so strange because Wednesday felt like it was Friday. So today feels like a special mid-weekday or someone's anniversary or birthday for some odd reason.

My sister asked if I am going to the "E" tomorow.

I got a message by mail that "C" is hosting...

I really don't want to see him right now...not at all...


He called me on the telephone twice last night, and then he called my sister's cell phone a couple of times asking her if she knew where I was.

He and I aren't in a relationship and already hes trying to keep track of my whereabouts as much as possible.

I really hate that.

I would never even clue him in on where I am...what I am doing for the day or any future plans. I guess he felt Wednessday night was quite successful between us.

If this is the case, then our feelings are definitely not on the same page.

He'd mentioned before about getting tickets to a play. I love going to plays but I don't think I want to go to one with him now. I've decided to just let it go and move on.

I've been getting a bit sidetracked with all of these open mic poetry nights. I have to focus on the gallery...my dream that I really want to make happen more than anything.

I remember mentioning the gallery to "C" and he said something about why don't I just put my paintings in another gallery?

Why would I want to do that now? My dreams have expanded past that point.
Back when I was a teenager, yes.
I would have had a huge dream of having my paintings in someone elses gallery back then. Not anymore.

Now I want a place to put my work and others as well. Its sad that he and I could never be on the same page.

I'm constantly moving forward with my plans and I only want to continue to move forward....

I Feel Awful

"C" and I met up downtown in the pouring rain! I have never been one to go on a date walking in the fucking rain grrrrr! I really didn't like it at all. I did happen to have a really big umbrella with me...



He tried to be a gentleman and hold it for the both of us...which made matters worse because hes like 100 feet taller than me...therefore, I got completely soaked! Then he asked


"Are you getting wet?"


Why did he ask that question when he saw that my clothes were soaked?


We ate at a French place near a really nice hotel. Dinner was nice...


The conversation was wonderful and everything felt like magic for a while...



Then he asked if I wanted to see go to the festival on the river. At first I wanted to...but then I changed my mind. He invited me over to his apartment as the rain got worse.



So I caught a cab with him...



He informs me in the cab that he doesn't have an automobile. I am not one to judge but...


he is almost thirty and has no car or truck or anything?

I don't care about what kind of car or how expensive...it just makes me wonder why he doesn't have one at all? He started giving me ideas on where "I" could get one (because he knew I drive my mom's car alot) but never once talked of any plans of HIM getting one...
that part was a bit strange.



He wanted to lounge on his couch and watch movies. I was okay with that. He wanted to put his arms around me, and it was okay for a while. It seemed to feel okay at the time...and then he kissed my lips and it was really nice. But then, he just kept on kissing and kissing and kissing them until I thought I would throw up!

That part started bothering me. It got to the point where he would NOT stop kissing my lips!



I started feeling fidgety and uncomfortable at that point. His hands were on my hips and my back. Suddenly, he couldn't keep his hands off my hair. Why was he so obsessed with my hair? I hate people that can't keep their hands to themselves.

He wanted to kiss my belly, insisting that it was a harmless act. I didn't want him to see my belly or put his mouth on it. I don't know him well enough for that sort of thing. He kept questioning why I wouldn't let him see my belly or at least touch or kiss it.


That started frustrating me because NO MEANS NO. I told him simply NO. And he kept on asking and insisting that it would be harmless. What part of NO didn't he

understand in the english language? So then he asked me if I was ashamed of my belly? WTF? Why did he accuse me of being ashamed of my belly because I don't want to just go around exposing my belly to every guy I meet in life? He then tried to kiss my chest and touch the top of my breasts...I told him to please stop. He kept kissing in between my cleavage constantly while I kept pushing him off over and over again...
Finally I told him that I wanted him to STOP IT and he kept doing it anyway! He would stop for 2 seconds and say he understood and was sorry...then would do the same stuff again! WOW!


Now I was officially pissed off and disgusted at him....but I was good at hiding it for some odd reason. I knew at that very moment I was definitely getting OUT of his place and going home as soon as I could. I asked if he'd call me a cab...
He said it was much too expensive for him to get me a cab.



It started storming really bad....lightning etc...




He kept kissing and kissing me until I finally told him again and again to please cut it out. He'd stop and then start again like a total sick maniac kisser! He just would NOT STOP!


He then fell asleep at some point, but kept waking up to kiss me until I could not even sit comfortably. I got so tired of his big stupid lips... His apartment was a little bit hot, but his body was really making it worse and he kept laying his head and arms on me, sorta sleeping and his skin and breath was really warm and sweaty...

I was wearing such a nice little white top and it made me so mad when I realized that had become dirty with sweat stains from his oozing skin and a bit of my own makeup smudged on it (because he absolutely could NOT stop touching my face, my nose my lips...DAMN! I was so annoyed! Why couldn't I have worn a nice white blouse without having it dirtied up because some moron could not fucking keep his hands to himself?





He also started saying that I was his girlfriend. I told him it was way too soon to be saying that. He kept insisting that he wanted to be my man and that he can tell I'm a good woman and that I wouldn't not play games with him.

Hmmm...He also left out about HIM playing games...Its funny how some men do that.

They are very concerned with women playing games with their minds and emotions but somehow have it in their heads its okay for them to do that stuff. He then said he just couldn't let me go...I have no idea what he was talking about....all I knew was that he was being way too pushy, anxious and sickening and I didn't like his constant touching of my hair and breasts and trying to get to my bare belly.





We both fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to find myself a total mess...as if I had sex with a madman or something! No sex took place but from the looks of everything...you would have thought it had happened. Ughhh... My hair was all in my eyes and wild, I was hot and sweaty and my clothes were all twisted up and everything...



For a man to be such madman...completely incapable of controlling his hands...it makes me really inspires me more than ever to continue on with my lifestyle of celibacy. I really don't think hes the one for me.
He was taking things way too fast when I constantly told him that he was doing things tooo sooon!



Sure I told him that he was handsome and I was having a great time. Does that mean I want his hands all over me? I really was having a great time at first...and everything was great...and I also thought he was handsome. I don't feel the same now about him.



HE could NOT keep his hands off me. I hate that! Why couldn't he have had a little more self control? Now hes even to the point already that hes now so fucking comfortable with me that hes blurts out "COME HERE" ... in order to demand a kiss...in a way that suggested that I was his personal little "submissive" or something...and I am not into that BDSM stuff...and I don't like being DEMANDED to kiss someone, especially if I'm trying to get to know them. If I really like someone, they would not have to demand a kiss from me. I would give it freely without even thinking about it first. I would do it because I wanted express my feelings to them...I did not feel this with him so maybe thats why he felt he had to demand me to give him a kiss?



In the morning, he had to work. He tried to convince me to stay in his apartment until he came home. NO WAY! I am not his girlfriend or wife.



"Sorry but I have some things to do" I said.

He kept insisting and insisting until I got up, grabbed my purse and jacket and told him to have a great day at work.



"COME HERE" he demanded in a very bossy voice for another kiss.
I gave him his kiss and left.



I DO NOT want to see him anymore. In ways I do because it was nice hanging out with him at some point...but then it just went from good to bad suddenly. I hate when someone tries to constantly sell their ideas to you when you have already told them NO about something. No means NO. Why can't some men understand that?



When a woman says do not kiss or touch my breasts...and a man constantly still tries to kiss and seduce her into it....



WTF? I hate that.



I don't want to see him anymore...


My sister says its because its my time of the month but its really not the issue. I don't like when I tell a man no please do not touch or kiss my body or grope my hair and he does it anyway. I hate it. Its invasion of personal space and its very presumptuous!

One Or Three Kisses

Last night I went downtown to the poetry place on Main Street. "The P"...

My sister ended up coming with me. She was in a horrible mood because of the situation between her and her fiancee. She looked heartbroken and pissed off at the very same time. We sat at the same table as some poets that frequently get onstage at different places around town.

"C" showed up. He sat with me. I was happy to see him...

I read a poem that I wrote about him. He had a very puzzled look on his face...

He asked me if that poem was about him...

I was shocked that he caught on to it! and...I burst out into laughter with him...

"I really liked it alot" he said...

"Thanks" I smiled...

I was a bit disappointed that he didn't write anything about me. Instead he read some things he wrote about on the subject of "Politics"...ughhh...Politics is NOT my favorite subject. I hate it.

After the last poem was read..."C", my sister and I went to this italian place over in the Lowlands to eat pizza.

I had such a great time with "C"...

we laughed about any and everything...

He held my hand. I was a little bit uncomfortable with it at first...

but then it felt nice...

I liked it...

its been a long time since a man has held my hand.

When we dropped him off at his house, I walked him to his front door. We hugged...

and then a small kiss...

maybe three...

It made my body feel so warm....

His lips felt so nice...

the kind of nice that made me want to kiss them again and again...

but I pulled away and I told him goodnight...

He asked me if I'd like to come inside for a while and watch a movie...

but I told him thanks but no thanks...

I knew if I went inside that warm feeling all over my body would consume me until I couldn't think straight.

Wow...one or three tiny kisses that felt so powerful...

amazing...

I Need Coffee This Morning...

I am still sleepy...coffee would be sooo

nice...

Mr.Phd professor and I talked.He says hes very interested in helping me to get together a financial statement for the gallery.

I am sooo excited about that.

Wow!

I am also flattered that he called me "beautiful" a couple of times. It made me blush!



Hmmm...

Its such a shame that hes married.


((sigh))



He said hes coming back in town soon and would like to get together to see some of my work...and to further discuss detailed plans for the gallery.



I admit...I am really looking forward to seeing him.


I don't have any new paintings right now, but I have alot of stuff I did from last year and the year before.

One of my paintings I still have not finished...I started it around December 2006, and haven't gone back to work on it yet.




Tonight I am going to the "P" to read some stuff.

Once again, it is a bit odd...because what I will be reading are just some random thoughts on paper...and not something that I would necessarily call "poetry"...

I did write some new things


The only thing I dread are my legs trembling so much when I get up that stage!


I wish there was a such thing as an anti-trembling pill that I could take before I went up there...



"C" will be there tonight...

**smiles**

Lovely Conversational Vibe

♡

"C" called me when he came back in town from NYC.

The entire conversation with him was so pleasant...like a breath of fresh air! It was nice to hear about his trip and all the interesting city photos he took. Surpisingly I discovered that he and I some very funny and interesting things in common...


He said he used to be teased for being a Nerd/Geek with glasses when he was a kid in school...just like me! And he also has a shy streak inside of him that hes still trying to work on....and so do I.



We talked about religion and the spiritual psyche... We even
got on the subject of 'celibacy'...and surprisingly...he didn't get scared and run away!

Even when I told him that I am a single mom...I thought for sure that would freak him out too.

Being a single mom isn't the most popular thing in the world to be nowadays...

even if you were once a very respectable married wife that had children by your husband...a virgin on your marriage night with your husband etc...

Some might not admit it...but single motherhood is strangely looked upon down on in the dating world in "most" cases....

So yes, I was shocked about both things.

I tried to explain my beliefs to him as clearly as possible...and he actually understood them, instead of dismissing them as baby gibberish.


Before we realized it, we had been on the telephone for around 4 hours. It was insane because it had only felt like it was 15 or 20 minutes.



He asked me if I was going to the "P" on Tuesday...I told him yes. We are both excited about seeing each other there...



But he also mentioned how he wants to see me before Tuesday!

Why?



Why does he have to see me before Tuesday?

I'm a bit puzzled.

Whats wrong with just meeting up on Tuesday?

Saturday Was Interesting

Saturday, I ended up going to "E" for poetry night. My 2 younger brothers, my sister, my younger cousin and my two aunts showed up. One of my aunts lives out of town, and stopped in for a visit.

It was so strange getting up to read in front of my two aunts...


Especially because I realized on Saturday...my aunts don't even know me.



They stopped bothering to know me when I was around 19 years old...

back when they wrongly accused me of stealing 4 times and even found out that I hadn't stolen anything whatsoever!

and they didn't even bother to say they were sorry or anything.

They just acted like they never even accused me in the first place...



After that, instead of really taking the time to find out who I am...they decided to rely only on alot of harmful gossip, lies and rumors spread by two angry bitter female cousins "C" and "J"...






"C" and "J" spread rumors and lies that I was into heavy drug use/alcohol and out in the streets sleeping around with lots of men...


They even said I started doing all that stuff at a very early age!





Its so stupid how my two aunts, along with their older sister (the third aunt who even spread some of the gossip herself)...


All 3 of them chose to believe whatever garbage "C" and "J" gave them, instead really finding out the facts to see if any of it were true.

Or maybe they didn't care if it was true or not...maybe they were just more comfortable with just assuming that it "MUST" be true....





Well, whatever the case...

because I could care less about what rumors are circulating around about me anymore and I could care less how they feel about me anymore....





On Saturday...I read things from my heart about experiences in my life...Experiences that had nothing to do with the made up lies and rumors they were believing in all those years...

And...they seemed to be a little bit shocked...




Hmmm...


interesting...



Hmmm...It was also interesting how they also kept remarking on "WOW you look really nice! You look beautiful"...




almost as if they expected me to be some broken down crack-whore who walks around scratchin her polluted body from an itch that can't be scratched....



Its so funny how easy some people find it to believe anything they hear instead of actually going to the source to see if its the truth?




Why is it so much easier for someone to believe gossip and rumors?